Top 10 Terrorist Organisations
always liked terrorists. They have a sort of exotic, edgy appeal - much
more than occupations such as barista, or even vending
machine maintenance engineer. I don't have much experience of
terrorists, but I once met an ex-Tonton Macoute colonel (pictured below) -
and I kinda liked him. When I asked him what it was like to be the leader of
an actual no-nonsense death squad, he claimed he only targeted people who were
complete scum, and totally deserved it - which seemed reasonable to me.
So I present below my top 10 list of favourite terrorist
groups. Obviously this is a personal selection, I don't claim to be
much of an expert. I made my choices based on gut instincts, rather
than any systematic method of comparison. Additionally, I use my own
definition of who falls into the category "terrorist" ...if you don't
agree with it, fuck off and make your own.
But basically in order of coolness - because being a terrorist is
1. Shining Path
Truly inspirational name, which sounds even better in Spanish - "Sendero
Luminoso". Extra points for being strictly Maoist, and also because the
leader, Abimael Guzman, had a great nom de guerre - Presidente Gonzalo.
There aren't enough noms de guerre any more - so mucho respecto to comrade "El
Presidente", and all those empanada-chomping, idealogically pure,
2. Black September
Yeah - what an excellent name for a terrorist organisation - just
saying those words chills my blood by four or five degrees. And I've
liked BS, because they were my introduction to the cool and violent
- I was nine-and-a-half when the Munich Olympics took place, and I was
tuning in to watch tedious rubbish like Valery Borzov winning the 100m.
September added a whole new dimension of excitement to the event - way
German names often sound really sinister - and double-barreled ones are
double the threat-level! Extra kudos because one of the founders was
female (women are
sadly under-represented in the world of terrorism). Only
group ever to have bombed a yacht club - I sure wish there were more!
Respect for (1) the completely tortured acronymic name and (2) being
from Western Sahara - a place that doesn't get enough attention, in my
opinion. Imagine what it must be like - riding up and down huge
sand-dunes, in a Toyota pickup, with an array of automatic weaponry,
a fanatical ideology - fantastic!
5. Tonton Macoute
so they were state actors, and some may think that disqualifies
'em. But the Macoutes had terrorist chic in spades, and really knew how
to organise a good paramilitary reign of terror. Add the overtones of
voodoo, reputation for gruesome torture,
and being continually drunk on good ol' Caribbean rum - it's a great
combination! Extra points for having Papa Doc as their boss.
6. Lord's Resistance
Those crazy East Africans! You've just got to admire an organisation
that drugs children and forces them to commit atrocities - but doing so
as a result of fanatical Christian devotion is truly radical! Having a
deranged personality-cult leader like Joseph Kony, only adds to the
impressive credentials of the LRA. PTLH!
There's aren't many terrorists who fuse the concepts of symbiosis and
armed struggle - but the SLA managed just that - and also taught
the world about Stockholm syndrome, when they kidnapped Patty
Hearst. The world needs more terrorists with a radical
8. Al-Qa`ida in the
terrorist gang that has a name including the word "maghreb" has
just got to be a winner. Also having apostophes in the middle of words
is really neat - so let's also have a special mention for Hizb'allah
and Tehrik Nefaz-e Shari'at Muhammadi!. Additional kudos because AQIM
are active in Mali, and let's face it - everyone secretly wishes they
could go to Timbuktu!
9. Tupac Amaru
The second Peruvian communist guerilla movement to make it onto this
list - that country really punches above its terrorist weight! Plus -
having the same name as a superstar rapper, and a Michigan politician,
just increases the comedy and confusion quotients. I'm tempted to start
a terrorist group and call it, say, Alex
you know - just by the sound of that name - that they were
pure. fucking. evil. Christened by Stalin himself, the real
version was even worse that the fictional one, even though the
fictional one was so villainous, it was Bond-villain level of villainy.
Those really were the
days of terrorism - and the demise of the Eastern
Bloc was a sad episode for state terror.
However, a new generation of
state-sponsored terrorism is now replacing old-school Stalinists, and
as vile and ugly but a lot less stylish